Some days are good, some days are bad. Yesterday was one of the bad days, or at least hard days for me. Everything was just “off” for me from the get go, and I felt like everything was against me. My day just started with things going wrong. For example I had enough points to get a free Starbucks drink, only to have it fall on the ground outside as I loaded Addie into the car, and it exploded everywhere. I was about ready to cry right then. It wasn’t something I would normally cry about, or be sad about, but yesterday it was.
Things just kept happening from there. I don’t mean to let things like this impact me, but they do. I’m one who tends to just bottle everything up, until I end up exploding, or just sitting and crying. To be completely honest the past few months have been really hard. So many things have had an impact on me, unfortunately many leaving a negative mark. It even got to the point where I debated stopping blogging all together, but with the encouragement of friends, and support of my husband I didn’t though. I love blogging as an outlet for things, for my emotions, for everything. It’s why I am sharing where I am at currently with my postpartum depression. Maybe there is someone else going through the same thing, and they need to know they are not alone.
So add on all the negative craziness, and I was continuing to struggle. After a follow up with my doctor, it was recommended that my medication dosage be changed. I started with a half dose, and am now on a full dose. It sure does make a difference. I can tell right away when it has worn off. I can tell if I have forgotten to take it when I am supposed to. It boggles my mind how something like this can have such an impact on how I am feeling.
Evie still notices if I am having a bad day, and I get asked her question “Mommy are you happy?” and it’s often followed up with “Mommy, I just want you to be happy.” This little girl notices everything, my sweet girl can read my like a book. I struggle with this too. I wish that how I am doing didn’t impact her so much, but it does. My family, my girls, my husband… they are why I knew I needed to seek out help this time round. There was no way I would be getting through PPD on my own.
My PPD hit me like I ran full force into a glass door this time round. There was no baby blues, it was just BAM! full blown PPD and I knew it.
I am thankful that with the medication I am taking I have not experienced any side effects. The first few days I felt like I had a whole lot of caffeine. Which was interesting because I was supposed to take it before bed. I was up for hours. That no longer happens. The only effect from it, is that I feel so much better. I feel like me. I feel like Tamara. I feel like I am in control of my emotions. No more rollercoaster ride. No more feeling like I am out of control.
I find I am able to enjoy being a mom. Sure there are still the good days, and the bad days in connection to motherhood, but it’s not causing me to get angry, frustrated, or sad for no reason… most of the time. Let’s be honest here, I think all parents find themselves on the brink of being totally overwhelmed at times. Am I right? For now I do still continue to monitor how I am doing, I have a follow up with my doctor again this week. I make sure I let me husband know how I am doing too, communication is so important. I know I will be continuing to take the medication until Addie is about 1 year old. My doctor does not want me to come off it too quickly, or be going on and off, and on and off because that can impact how effective it is. I am totally okay with being on it for that long if it means I am doing well. I need to be taking care of myself, so that I can take care of my family.
If you find yourself wondering if what you are going through after having had a baby is normal, don’t hesitate to go and talk to your doctor. I’m so glad I did.