To my husband,
The past months have been challenging, not just for me, but for you too. Since our daughter was born, things have been difficult. I know I have been very different from the woman you know and love. You’ve been by my side, each step of the way.
I thought I was not going to go through this again. Things seemed better. We did things differently. We kept our newborn daughter to ourselves so that we could soak up every second of the time that goes past so quickly. We got up during the night together, and I did not feel alone during the middle of the night feedings. I felt so good. I was head over heels in love with our daughter. Everything just seemed right, like it had fallen perfectly into place.
Then the three month mark struck, and it was like I hit full force into a wall. I did not see this coming. I guess in some ways I did, I was watching for it. Everything crumbled. I fell to pieces. Leaving you standing there, unsure of what to do, how to help me, and desperately wanting to put me back together. Back to me. Back to your wife. Back to the mother of your children. Here we were again, my being in a battle with postpartum depression. It consumed me. Taking your wife with it.
Who was this person that was left behind?
Not your wife. Not the mother of your children. Or so it seemed. Little things infuriated me. Little things opened the flood gates of tears and so much sorrow. Our oldest noticed right away something was not right with mommy. Asking constantly “Mommy, are you happy?” . My dear sweet daughter can read me like a book, she’s always been able to. My poor girl was wondering what had happened to her mommy. How do you explain to your child what is going on.
I felt disconnected from everyone. You. Our daughters. When I should have been giving our girls hugs and kisses, all I wanted was to curl up in bed and sleep. When I should have been wanting to spend every moment with my family, I was wanting to run away from all of you. It was so hard feeling like I was being pulled in two directions. Wanting to spend every waking second with my girls, and you, but also wanting to be anywhere but there. To go from an out pouring of love, to a raging monster in a split second was destroying me. It was hurting us.
I knew I needed to seek help this time. There was no getting through this on my own. No waiting to see if it was just the baby blues. I knew. It was time to go to the doctor, to discuss options. It was time to get me back. After a lengthy conversation about everything that was going on, it was confirmed (though we already knew it) that I was deep in postpartum depression. This time we made the decision for me to try medication. What a difference it made within a week, and more so over a month.
I’m feeling like myself again.
During all of this you have been by my side. You have been the incredible source of support I needed through all of this. It’s through moments like this that I am so thankful to have your by my side. You are my better half. You’ve held me as I’ve sat wailing on the bed. You’ve helped me calm down during the sporadic moments of fury. You’ve made sure I do not miss any of the moments in our family. From watching our girls play together, our oldest showing so much joy in colouring a picture, to our youngest giggling for the first time. While I do feel robbed of the early months with our daughter, thanks to you I do not feel like I have completely missed out.
When there are times that the anxiety, sorrow, and rage still consume me you are there for me. You love me unconditionally. I hope you know that I understand that this period in our life together has been trying on you too. I cannot thank you enough for standing by me. Thank you for not giving up on me, on us. Holding my hand through all of this. Being the strength I need. The voice of reason. For praying for me every day. Praying for us. While there are times I may not be outwardly loving towards you, and our girls. Please know that it’s in those times I love you all the most. You are getting me through this. Without you I wouldn’t be where I am today. I see the light at the end of this trying tunnel of PPD. We are getting there honey. We are getting there together. I never would have imagined that we would have found ourselves going through this together, and going through this twice. I cannot thank you enough for being exactly what I needed each day. While you cannot fix me, you have been my constant during all of this.
Thank you so much, for everything.
I love you so much.