This is a hard thing for me to share about, but I also know its something many deal with. Currently I find myself struggling immensely with body image.
Its not something recent, its something I have long dealt with. I was always the tall girl, the bigger than average girl, the girl with glasses, the girl with weird hair. I never really “fit in”. Looking back at photos I really wish someone had helped me out with things like fashion. Oh my, did I ever have bad taste in things. With all of this I found myself dealing with depression at a young age because of how I looked and not feeling confident in myself.
While pregnant I felt amazing. I was confident in myself, I felt beautiful. Though finding maternity clothing was a royal pain. I just made it work. I used a hair elastic to be able to wear my jeans I loved my whole pregnancy because no one made maternity jeans that were nice for someone plus size and tall. Most maternity shirts were also really ugly and boxy that came in my size, but I made it work too. Many told me I had the pregnancy glow. Looking at photos there was just something there, it must have been the pregnancy glow. The incredible feeling you have when pregnant.
Its been 11 months since having my daughter. I lost the baby weight I had gained quickly. Then problems started to happen with my milk supply, so I was put on medication. Side effect… weight gain. It all came back, and then some. I set a goal for myself to lose the weight. I started jogging, I tried eating well. I’ll be honest, that its hard, as sometimes you just grab the easiest thing to eat when you’re a Mom, and that isn’t always the best thing.
Now the weight won’t come off. I’ve recently been to the doctor, and have been sent for some blood work. I get the results this week, to see if something is out of whack that is hindering me from losing the weight.
For now, I am not happy.
Many items in my wardrobe do not fit. Items I once loved are just sitting there in the closet. Items I would love to wear, especially with it being the holiday season. I have tried convincing myself that it is okay, that this is all okay, I will be able to fix this. I will be able to make my current body work. I have tried going shopping to buy items that work for the body I have right now. I often just leave empty handed. I am not what is considered pretty in today’s world. Far from it. Its so discouraging to go and try and find something for myself. Such a toxic environment for anyone dealing with body issues, but also for any young girl or woman, the images they see daily are so intimidating and unrealistic in their Photoshop glory.
I see other Moms around me, ones that had baby near when I had my daughter, ones that had their baby months after, and they have lost the baby weight, they have kept it off. They look great. Seeing that though, makes me feel even more down about myself.
I have been avoiding being in photos. Not wanting to be have the way I look right now permanently captured. Then I remind myself that I will be upset down the road, if there are no photos of me with my daughter, my husband, our family. I dislike those photos so much right now, some day I will be thankful to have them, but I continue to do my best to avoid the camera, to hide my face, to turn away.
Right now I am in a vicious circle.
My husband reminds me daily that I am beautiful, and I love him for it. He loves me for me. He’s helped me through the phone calls while shopping, when I break down in tears because I can’t find something for me. Something that makes me feel pretty. My husband loves me so much and is such an incredible source of support.
I find myself on another hard journey. I’m trying though. I know where I want to get to. I know where I was at when I was truly happy. I hope to get back to there in the future. For now this is who I am, its something I am really struggling with. I am trying to love who I am right now. There are many things I would change about my body if I could, the things I can change I will do so over time.
For now I’ll celebrate the things my body can do…
My body carried our daughter to full term.
My body can lug a 20lb baby around the store when she does not want to be put down, or be in a stroller.
My body can rock my daughter to sleep, and be her place of safety and comfort.
My body can stay up late, get up early, and function without coffee!
My body can hug family and friends that are dear to me.
My body can dance like a fool to the music playing, to make my daughter giggle and want to join in.
My body can reach the highest shelves with its crazy long arms.