Let’s be honest, pregnancy isn’t always full of unicorns, and magical pixy dust. I think it’s safe to say any woman who has ever been pregnant knows this to be true. In all honesty I am struggling right now for pregnancy reasons and otherwise.
With our first born we had a name for her as soon as we found out we were having a girl, and saw her sweet little face on the ultrasound display. We had two girls, and two boys names we were going back and forth with. Once we saw her on the screen we knew which name belonged to her. This time though, nothing. We had a name we thought we wanted to use, my husband and I both really liked it plus it stuck with our idea of using all E names. Over the course of this pregnancy the name has become incredibly popular and it just does not feel right. So we moved on from it, and all E names. E names have become incredibly popular and we do not want our child to be one of two to four kids with the same name come kindergarten. We love the idea of having a unique first name, but that is easy to spell. We’re sure something will come, it just seems we will be waiting til baby girl is here and we see her face in person for the first time. I’m becoming okay with the fact that it may take a bit for her to have a name. I just feel a bit guilty that we did not have a name right away like last time. I’ve shed a few tears over this.
While I have not gained the same amount of weight as last time, it is something that worries me. I know that I easily obsess over the number on the scale so I’ve ignored the one in our house this whole pregnancy, and I have tried to ignore the numbers as best I can when at the doctors office. It doesn’t help that every appointment they check you. I know my body will do whatever it needs to during pregnancy. There is still my subconscious getting to me about it all. I’ve unfortunately also had a few comments from people around me that have really hurt. Instead of saying anything I’ve walked away, which I regret doing. I wish I’d spoken up because really it was not their place and the comments were completely inappropriate. It’s hard enough being pregnant, but having to deal with rudeness, and back handed comments on how you look is not needed at all. I have set goals for myself, that I will work towards after this little girl arrives. I am probably going to get my husband to hide the scale so I do not obsess over those numbers. If anything, I plan to focus on inches lost instead.
I try to not complain while pregnant, but I think I’ve reached my breaking point recently. I’ve actually had a few people tell me I’m not allowed to complain because I have it “easy” compared to others… apparently. So I tend to keep quiet about things. Can I please be open and honest? I’m hurting. This morning I woke up in a lot of pain. Thankfully my husband was able to get up with our daughter since he can work from home, and take care of her, while I went and had a shower to try and get the pain to stop. During my pregnancy with our first daughter my pelvic bone separated too much, and poor Evie was squashed in there. For awhile now the same pain has been happening. There’s not much I can do. Tummy bands don’t help too much at this point. Sometimes wearing compression shorts does make a different. The worst is when the bones crack, and leave me unable to move for a bit. This happens often at night when I am trying to roll over and “get more comfortable”. If I ever am pregnant again in the future, I think I may invest in renting a hospital bed, or something that goes up and down, and I can adjust… maybe even a lazy boy chair would work better.
I’ve been an emotional mess lately. Going all over the map. Seeing this side of me makes me very concerned for after delivery and the months that I follow. I dealt with postpartum depression before. I fear it’s already coming to the surface now. I dealt with some anxiety and depression at the beginning of this pregnancy, mostly from my worries connected to the possibility of another miscarriage. Maybe it is just pregnancy hormones, but it is something I am keeping a close watch on. I know in the days after delivery I will get a phone call, and be asked a bunch of questions to check how I am doing, and how baby is doing. I really think these questions should be asked in person because you can tell so much more by looking at a persons face, and into their eyes for how they are truly doing. Where as over the phone, its so easy to give the “right” answers. For now, I make sure my doctor knows how I am feeling, and we’ll take it from there.
My biggest struggle right now is that I am very worried about the transition to two kids and how our oldest will do. She is already all about her baby sister, but I am sure some acting out will happen. I know she already suspects change is coming. I just hope we can do our best as a family to make it an easy transition. As much one on one time as possible with both her Dad and I. I know my husband is planning to take her out to the playground and for “coffee” or sushi together. I just hope that I will still be able to do some things just her and I. We’ll figure it out I’m sure, it’s just going to be a big learning curve.