I’ve found myself asking the question “Is this the last moment?” a lot recently. I’m constantly pondering if I’ve entered the final, fleeting moments with my youngest daughter. I’m constantly contemplating if I am missing it. I’m terrified that the final moment will happen and I won’t be there. I am trying to enjoy the moments all at the same time. We are not 100% certain if Addie is our last baby but I’ve been going through her first year with the heart and mindset that she just might be. I’ve found myself trying to soak up every last instant.
So many questions have crossed my mind during her first year…
Is this the last day I will ever be pregnant?
Is this the last time I will experience labor?
Is this the last time I will hold a newborn that is my own?
Is this final moment that she will nurse? (This one came up lots as breastfeeding is a struggle for both of us)
Will she wear this outfit again or has she grown out of it?
Is this the last “first” milestone we get to experience for walking, eating, sleeping, etc…?
Will she fall asleep in my arms one more time or do I soak up every second of this moment?
This is just some of the list that has been running constantly through my mind. As Addie continues to grow up more things are being added, while others are removed because the last moment did happen. I am finding that I am struggling through this period of time with the fact that she may our last baby. That we may not experience these precious moments again.
The other night Addie would not go to sleep in her crib. She would fall asleep instantly in our arms but the second we put her down she woke up. She has not done this since she was a few months old. Instead of being frustrated that my evening routine was not going as planned I stopped and got comfy in the rocking chair in her room and snuggled with her.
I soaked up every last minute of her wanting to sleep in my arms. There’s something so special about watching a baby as they settle down, close their eyes, and snuggle in close to fall asleep. That sigh they let out as they enter a deep sleep and distinctive breathing pattern that lets you know they have finally nodded off to dreamland in your arms.
Those times where Addie has gone to sleep in my arms have become some of my favourite. I also have memories with Evie with her sleeping in my arms that are dear to me. I have how they look while sleeping in my arms memorised from taking the time to engrave it into my memory. These are moments I do not want to forget. Perhaps that is why the first and the last moments are so important to me.
It’s all bittersweet, her firsts may also be lasts for us. Time is going so fast and it’s incredible to see both of our girls grow. It’s just crazy the mix of emotions that I’m going through as I watch them grow. Where was the warning about this emotional rollercoaster my fellow mamas? My heart is heavy with sadness but full with joy all at the same time. It’s the oddet thing.
For now, I will continue savouring everything. The baby clothing is still being packed up but items have been packed up into keepsake boxes for both of the girls. Some will be put away to save – just in case. I will keep rocking my daughter to sleep in my arms until she decides she does not need it any more. I know a day will come when she will not longer fall asleep there. I will commit my time to both of my girls. Other things can wait just like the quote below says. My girls deserve all of my attention and time.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow, for children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs. Dust go to sleep. I’m rocking my baby, and babies don’t keep.