One of my very first posts at Discovering Parenthood was about how we went through a miscarriage, Evie is our rainbow baby, and we will always remember that moment in our lives. As Evie gets older, goodness, after she was a couple months old, we had people asking when the next one would be joining our family. No pressure right? Once you’ve been through a miscarriage though, that moment can plague you.
I have been haunted by nightmares of going through another miscarriage, and while I know others who have gone through the same heart break, I always feel so alone. When you wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and tears streaming down your face, you feel alone. Each nightmare destroys me a little more, leaving me so fearful of another miscarriage. Another little one lost. I don’t think I could handle that again, I know I would be a total wreck beyond repair. All I can do in those moments are cry, and pray. I’ve prayed over and over again that I never have to go through that again, and that I will never have any one I know go through that heart break.
While others may not enjoy their pregnancies because of morning sickness or back ache, I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy with Evie because I was constantly worried that she would not stay with us. Even through labor and delivery I was fearful, especially when I was hearing that our baby’s heart rate is going down, and I’m having to give verbal consent for a c-section just in case. I don’t think I will ever get to enjoy being pregnant. I will always be praying and watching for movement, waiting to hear the heart beat. My pregnancy with my daughter was a long period of my holding my breath, fearful of what might happen.
Then there are other fears of having another little one join us that are also constantly plaguing our thoughts, and filling us with doubt and worry.
Will I be able to manage my time between two munchkins?
How do I make all the “firsts” special for the next one?
Will I be able to love them equally and just as wholeheartedly?
Will my oldest feel forgotten?
Will she hate us for having another kid?
How on earth do you get two or more kids to and from the car safely?
There are many many more things that run through my head as we think about the possibility of adding to our family. I know there are others who have been there before me – some how my mom got all 4 of us girls to and from the car and we all survived! – I guess I find myself still healing, and left to wonder. I am also realizing how much I still need to hand this all over to God and His perfect timing.
I am also sure there are other’s who may find themselves in my place where you are wondering about what it will be like to add another, and is it possible to ever enjoy a pregnancy after a miscarriage. Have you been there? Do you find yourself wondering about the same things?